Saturday, June 12, 2010

Emotions are exhausting creatures. Yes, creatures! They seem to be independent at times; hiding out of sight and just loving to show up unannounced!
Ever surprised by your own response to something? Where did that anger, sorrow, confusion, etc. come from? I have been. Take today when the lovely person driving their car decided they needed to turn before I passed them. They REALLY ANNOYED ME much more than was warranted. As if, I have never made a wrong move while driving!
Where did that come from? Ah, denial. You know the phrase - "It ain't just a river in Egypt!" For some of us denial is an art form. Hey, some of us come from a long line of deny-ers!!
Whether I am aware of all the emotions churning away inside me or not, they can really wipe me out. The thing with this type of exhaustion is it is not a satisfying tired, not like when you are worn out from having accomplished some sort of physical labor.
This journey I find myself on stirs many emotions and often I am not aware how close they lie under the surface.
Driving to spend time with Ray today I was listening to some upbeat music. I was singing along and felt light-hearted. In a blink of an eye, my eyes were filled with tears. Something triggered the memory of a moment I had shared with my husband before his accident and a great sadness overwhelmed me.
I am learning to turn it over to my gentle, loving God. No trying to deny this strong emotion, as I would have at another time in my life. No trying to examine it either. Just acceptance. It is what it is. Life hurts. Life is beautiful. Life is what it is. In the end it will all be made right and good.
My dear husband was in his room still believing he is in a hospital in Florida. We discussed this briefly and though he seemed to accept what I told him, he was disinclined to go with it. Whatever.
The brain does strange, strange things! Matthew told me that he thinks it is like all the contents of his dad's mind were dumped on the floor and then scooped up and simply dumped back in; so all the information comes from some prior experience, but just out of order. Sounds right.
Ray demonstrated his ability to manuever his wheelchair with one hand and leg and I could see that it gave him the sense of a measure of freedom. He was also looking for his cell phones.
I checked with the nurse and he can have a cell phone, if he is able to use it. I will bring him his personal cell tomorrow. He'd like his work phone also, but that would not be a good idea. It will be one thing if he should call a family member or friend and say something a little odd, but something else altogether should he call one of his clients! If your number is in his phone, be prepared - you may be receiving an interesting call one day very soon!
For all his confusion Ray had clarity of thought when we prayed together. (Thank you, Holy Spirit!) He expressed gratitude for a number of things; good care and support and continued recovery. When he thanked the LORD for bringing his sons back into his life my heart and eyes welled up. Then he told Papa that he was grateful for a wife who is steadfast in her love. That was it for me!
On the way home my car found its way into a Dunkin Donuts parking lot and so I had to get out once it was parked, as there was no drive-thru. What else could I do? At the counter I ordered my favorite comfort drink; iced coffee, light and sweet with milk. Oh, throw in that last jelly donut too, please. What? I don't eat donuts - they don't like me! Okay, I understand the iced coffee, as it reminds me of my grandpa.
I was two years old and he and I were home alone during a thunder and lightening storm when the electricity went out. Grandpa made me some "coffee", as we sat in a cozy nook in the kitchen watching the storm through a window. The "coffee" was a glass of milk with a touch of coffee and lots of sugar! To this day I love storms and very sweet, very light iced coffee. I always get that same cozy feeling.
I was looking for that feeling, I guess. It appears that some sneaky emotions were rearing their heads again!
As I finished driving home I reflected over Ray's words - steadfast in love. Is it truly love if it isn't steadfast? The One who is love is steadfast. Unwavering , persistent, committed, dedicated are words used to define the word steadfast and they definitely describe the Living God. He never gives up on us. He is so committed to having a relationship with us that He gave His Son to make the way for a relationship with us. Because my Savior walked this earth I know He understands my emotions. As I thought about this a thought came to me. He experienced all the emotions, He knows what they feel like in all their intensity, so intense, at one point, that He sweat drops of blood! That is anguish! That is love! Steadfast love!!

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