Thursday, August 19, 2010

Many have asked, "Aren't you excited to have your honey coming home on Friday??!!"
They are excited for us.
Very sweet, however, excited is not exactly the word I would use. Conflicted would be more accurate.
Guilt has been lurking on the edges of my conscience. It gives me the opportunity to "do the work" that I am always encouraging others to do. We often need to work at holding on to what is true. Guilt is not always true, but false. Feeling guilty for a feeling I am experiencing is a waste of time!

I am so grateful that he is alive and has come so far in his recovery that he can come home.
As far as the actually homecoming; only Papa knows what that will look like, expecially the day by day stuff.

A few people have expressed understanding of what I must be feeling. They, too, used the word "conflicted." To them I say, "Thank you!"

Ray and I had gotten to the place in our relationship and life that we were really enjoying each other and looking forward to being "free." Less obligations and responsibilites; more options.
Will we get to that place again? Maybe.

The man who is coming home tomorrow is different than the man who left this house the evening of April fourteenth. The difference goes beyond the physical.
He is quieter, more subdued. My husband loved a good challenge. He loved to tinker and often said that he enjoyed a level of frustration (!). I always wondered at such thinking.

A few people contributed toward a purchase of an iPad. Matt brought it to him, as he is most receptive to any suggestions from our son.
No interest. We have tried numerous times to spark some, but to no avail. He told me he can't see the screen.
The screen is very clear and definitely easier to view than the small television that he watches in his room!

His emotions are obviously subdued. As I have shared about our precious niece, Sara, who has always been the apple of his eye, he listens and nods, and even asks about her from time to time, yet, no emotion.

I know he will continue to recover and that medications may play a part in his responses, etc. I just don't like!!

Papa is ever reminding me to "take every thought captive to Christ." I dare not do otherwise. The "what ifs" would become too large.
I choose to keep my eyes on the One who is "the Rock that is higher than I" to quote a Psalm. He is bigger than anything I have faced or ever will.

He is so gracious. This morning me Papa gave reminded me that this journey I am on is what He has ordained for me and that He will be the One doing what needs doing. It is a familiar verse that I have claimed over and over through the years. "Faithful is He who calls you, He also will bring it to pass." The address for this in found at first Thessalonians five, the twenty-fourth verse.

Whatever I am called to do in life; whether it be a wife, a mother, an aunt, a sister, a friend, a teacher, even a care giver; they are callings from Him. All I need to do show up. He has never and will never leave me hanging.

I am His vessel, hopefully, to quote the Apostle Paul, "for honor, sanctified, useful to Him, prepared for every good work."

To Him be the glory!

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