Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Remember those sneaky emotions I have spoken of in the past? They are still lurking around!

On the way to our first day of therapy at Gaylord we stopped by the ACTS4 building. This is where you see the church as it is intended to be. Papa's children loving Him and each other and intent on allowing that love to overflow to all who cross their paths.

I had not been to this building for exactly five months. Today it is five months since Ray's accident.
As I entered the place my emotions suddenly started to rise up. After a few minutes they spilled over in the form of tears. It was difficult to bring them in check.

Why the tears? Judging by the thoughts that I was having I would have to say that I was being reminded of what my life had been like before Ray's accident.
It is very strange to realize that you can go through your day with no idea that your life is about to change so radically.
I loved all the things I was able to do. My days were open to whatever I felt led to do. Such a full and free feeling! My greatest joy was being able to use my gifts to serve my God and bring Him glory. Teaching is a joy for me and I love an audience. Opportunities from Papa were abounding!

And here I am.

Oh, I am busy to be sure. Busy doing so many things in which I feel inept. I don't like it!

Tonight my codependency group met. We discussed the importance of reconciling what we know is true about God and what we feel about God. Life has a way of skewing our perspective.
What difference will it make once the two are in agreement? Will life be less painful? Will grief and pain cease? Will everything measure up to our expectations?
What do you think?
Of course not. However, as we face the disappointments and sorrow we will face it from a very secure position - the arms of our gracious God.

I am not comfortable and would love to have everything back to the way they were, but it isn't going to happen.
My husband will continue to recover, but we have to walk the path that is before us. We cannot go back to that night and have him drive his truck instead of his bike. We have no guarantees as to how fully he will recover.
My niece is in such a place that if she was given the choice to return would refuse. She is in glory, after all! But those of us still here have to walk this path of grief.
Life is not easy. He knows that, He experienced that when He walked this earth.
He alone can see us through in such a way that we come out better for it instead of bitter because of it.
My Papa is the God of all comfort. I am comforted as I go through the challenges of every day. The physical and emotional challenges will continue to come. It is a comfort to know that nothing comes my way that He has not allowed; allowed for my good.
A day is coming when He will wipe away every tear for the last time. That is the greatest comfort to me!

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