Saturday, September 18, 2010

The past week or so I have been out of sorts and definitely not very good company. My heart has been heavy and my thoughts not very cheering.
It is not my usual state and I don't like it. As a matter of fact there are a whole lot of things I don't like lately.
Why haven't I been able to simply count my blessings and rejoice in what is good and leave it at that? Why haven't I been able to throw myself into worship? Why were my worship flags gathering dust in the corner of the room?

Yes, worship flags. For my last birthday my honey's gift to me was these flags. I had wanted them for quite a while. One is yellow and represents joy, another is baby blue and stands for grace, the last is a royal purple! It is a joyful way for me to worship my God. Yet, they lay untouched.

During my devotions this morning I wrote a few lines in my journal in response to today's entry in Brennan Manning's "Reflections for Ragamuffins". I had been reminded that Papa is intimately acquainted and concerned about my life. He knows all the ups and downs; ins and outs of it. I wrote out a comparison of when I rest in this knowledge and when I don't.
Resting results in "clarity, peace, harmony and consonance" resonating in my heart. All from being attuned to the Father's will.
Not resting brings "agitation, conflict, dissonance and contretemps", to quote Brennan.

Unfortunately, it was the later, not the former that was an apt description of my heart.

As I thought about this I felt worse. A gloomy cloud stuck close to me for quite a few hours. I had the opportunity to go out alone for a bit and as I attempted to do a few errands I felt ill at ease.

Later, after hanging up from a phone conversation all I could think of was how negative I must have sounded to my friend on the other end of the call.
What a wretch!

I threw myself into cookie baking, but my thoughts kept me company.
Then I started to wonder if I should see someone. I am meeting a friend for lunch this week and she is a counselor, so I thought maybe I'd ask her opinion.
My thoughts took a different turn, a good one, because Someone interrupted.

"Of course, you are feeling gloomy and not so cheerful. You are in mourning; many things. And cut out that thinking that you are a wretch or a disappointment to your Papa! Yes, under the surface you have been thinking that too! It is alright and truly healthy to grieve. Have at it!
God's children are not always happy and light hearted. The key is that they do not go through any of it alone!"

I slipped a tray of cookies into the oven, set the timer and walked into the living room. Music was playing quietly. I turned up the volume and picked up two flags. Grace and joy seemed appropriate.
My heart is heavy but with glimpses of light, because my Papa never withholds His grace and loves to share His joy!

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