Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Relationships are the stuff of life. What is life without them?
Just like everything else, relationships change. They have their ups.... and they have their downs. After all it is a wild ride, isn't it?
I prefer the ups, don't you? Then I feel more "in control." An illusion, I know. The downs reinforce the fact that I am definitely not "in control!"
These relationships are affected by all that happens around them. Without Papa, at times, one feels tossed about like an anchorless ship! With Papa, it still isn't easy to face some of the changes that come. Just like a child who trusts her daddy, but still is scared, I hide behind Him and dare to just give a peek at what is facing me.

I wonder what Ray's and my relationship will look like once he is home and a bit more self-sufficient? As I've said before, our current relationship often reminds me of how his dad and I interacted while we cared for him.
I do feel strongly the role of caretaker. It is an odd fit. Over the years I have been known to say that I am not a nurse on purpose, so this in not a natural role for me, but it is one I willingly accept.
Yesterday the staff doctor came in to see Ray. I felt like he was working for the insurance company. He asked my husband how many stairs there were to negotiate into our home. Then he asked if Ray felt he could climb them. Ray assured him that he could. "Good," was the doctor's reply.
Hello-o-o!! Mr. Doctor have you read the therapists' notes?? I tried to make a few comments, but the man was not interested in hearing from me. Must have been one of my invisible days!
This conversation got me thinking about how soon Ray may be coming home and what it will be like to have him here. It will no longer be visiting for a couple of hours and letting everyone else do the majority of caregiving. It made me feel very tired.
Okay. One day at a time!
Other relationships have been altered through this adventure. My sons have taken on different roles. They have stepped up to the plate and taken more responsibility; willingly helping me shoulder the added load, where possible.
The two that are living with me are on the front lines. They both work full-time and have other concerns, as well. I try not to lean too hard on either one. They are dealing with all that has been happening, also. However, conflict is inevitable, I guess.
One son and I have hit a little pothole in this road we're on. It came to a head this morning. My answer? I cried for a good part of the rest of this morning.
Good solution, yuh? Actually, yes. I was overdue.
Papa had a few Words for me.

"Behold, the eye of the LORD is on those who fear Him,
On those who hope for His lovingkindness.
Oh soul, wait for the LORD, He is our help and our shield.
For our heart rejoices in Him, because we trust in His Holy Name."
That's from Psalm thirty three.

He is watching over me, over us. He is my hope, my help and my shield!
My heart does rejoice right in the midst of all these crazy changes, because I know that His Name tells me Who He is. He is everything I need!
"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me!" That's what I read in Philippians four, verse thirteen. He gave me this today too.
So when I get tired, weary, I can be sure that there is still strength available to me, because I am His!!

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