Tuesday, October 5, 2010

For the last hour and a half I have been trying to ignore the fact that I am not falling asleep. Usually I lay down and fall asleep talking to Papa. The conversation is most often very brief, however, now and again the night arrives when it continues for hours. The question of why I am not sleeping keeps arising.
Am I suppose to be praying for someone? Is there something we need to discuss? Did that tea have any caffeine in it?
No, no and no.
There does not seem to be a pattern to my sleeplessness. No full moon. No biological reason either.

I wonder could it be that I couldn't have packed more into this particular day if I had tried? Could it be, in part, the fact that I kept finding one more thing to do until it suddenly was ten o'clock at night?

Monday was a full day without any help from me. Ray had an appointment at Gaylord's brace clinic to assess what adjustments needed to be done to his leg brace. Before that we had to do his PT and OT at home and stop at the lab for a blood test.
Of course, all of that was after we got up, dressed and ate breakfast. A very time consuming process these days!
Before we headed out I squeezed in a little Pilates (I am determined to exercise!) and made us lunch to have on our travels.

There were a couple of other stops that preceeded anything else, which actually took a lot less time than anticipated. This meant that we could stop at the mall on the way to Gaylord. Ray waited in the car while I ran in to find a couple of pairs of jeans for him.

As I shopped I was thinking about the extra expenses we have had due to the accident. One area is clothing. When Ray entered Gaylord I was told that he would be dressed everyday, so would I kindly bring in clothing that was extra large. Since he was not mobile back then, he would be dressed while lying in bed. Large clothing made it much easier to dress him.
Fast forward to the present. Ray's regular jeans would fit though a little loosely, however, he cannot do buttons or snaps and even zippers are a challenge. Thus we have been using the pants that he wore in the hospital. They are elastic waisted with a draw string. Being a larger size than he needs they are extremely baggy. This means they do not like to stay up unless the string is tied. This also means that Ray is dependent upon one of us, usually me, to tie them numerous times a day.
Since our goal is for him to be as self-sufficient and independent as possible, it seemed a good idea to find pants that aided that goal.
Mission accomplished!

There we sat waiting to be called for our appointment. It was a good half an hour before that happened. I have sat longer than that for many a medical appointment, yet it felt very long this time, because we sat at Gaylord where they are so prompt in every other area.
The woman facing us, who was on her cell phone the entire time and happened to have a large voice, didn't help matters!

By the time our turn came I had a miserable headache. This was, in part, due to the fact that I had been trying to sandwich in a visit to my chiropractor to no avail for a full week. I was headed to him to after Gaylord, but it never happened as the brace appointment was much longer than I anticipated.
Oh well.

The result of Ray's appointment was a reduced brace! It was cut down to stop below his knee. Originally the brace went up to the top of his thigh. Progress!

Every now and then the longing for my husband, as he had been, overtakes me. Yesterday, I asked him for a hug while he was standing in front of me. He complied, as best he could. It was all I could do to hold back the tears.
I miss so much. So much that I took for granted. His strength and energy. His quick wit. His mind that never turned off. It used to make me crazy! I had told him that science would have a true challenge if he donated that brain to them. He was always thinking; calculating, planning, anticipating and on and on.
I do see glimpses of the Ray I knew, but in such a diminished way. What encourages me is that he is still in therapy and I am certain that they would not be working with him if they did not expect results.
I also know that with TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) things take time. They have told me that the most dramatic progress is made in the first six months, but the brain also heals at its own rate and that means a year or beyond will bring continued healing.

Let's get back to the overfilled day. I'll let you in on a little something about me. Yes, there are many things I still haven't revealed! This lady blogger can get a little crazed at times.
I love order in my nest. Over the years I have relaxed, but an occasional slip happens.

Here's an example of the unreformed me. I like lists. I like checking things off my list. Before learning to relax a little I was known to add something after it has been accomplished just so I could check it off.
On one of those lists of years gone by I had detailed all I intended to accomplish for the day. Yes, intended, not hoped! Among the usual household duties and errands, and there were many, I had written "reupholster couch". That was not "begin to", but "complete it!"
Even back then I had to shake my head at myself.

Every Autumn, as soon as the weather begins to grow cooler, I batten down the hatches; close the storm windows, hang the heavier curtains, get out warmer blankets and clothing, etc. I know I am not alone in this practice. I just wonder how many try to do it all in one day??!!

No I didn't get it all done, but not for lack of trying!
So I think that the reason that I am still awake at two in the morning is that I am too wound up.

It's time to unwind. For me there is only one place to go to make this happen.
Yes, putting the focus on my God alone. I realize that, in part, my busyness is an attempt to be in control.
It is, as always, an illusion. Control, that is. He alone has the power to control.
Whatever we are grasping for will never satisfy, if what we are after isn't the Living God. Nothing satisfies our souls apart from Him. He is the one thing we need and truly what our hearts and souls long for. Rich Mullins said Jesus was his one thing. Me too! When we have Him, we have everything.
In Romans eight verse eighteen we are reminded that no matter what this life brings, whether it be difficult circumstances where our emotions run the gamut, in the end we win! Yes, in the end we do win, but in the meantime, in Him, we can live loved.

There is so much to distract us from that which is most important, most vital. I am reminded of the need to keep focused. Slice of Infinity's commentary for October fourth addresses the issue of just how distracted our society has become. It is a worthwhile read!
Proverbs two urges us to receive and treasure His Word. We are urged to cry for, lift our voices, seek and search for more of Him and His treasures. We will gain wisdom, knowledge and understanding. It all comes from Him, as He is the source of all that is good and true.

So when I have a crazy day I don't have to beat myself up. When I have a sleepless night, I don't have to fight it or worry how tomorrow will be affected.
No, as His well-loved girl, who desires more of Him, I can climb up onto His lap, curl up and rest. Maybe sleep will follow. Maybe not, but I do know that He has His reasons and that He will take care of tomorrow.

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