Confidence

For many years of my life I had no confidence; not in myself, nor in others.  Once I personally met Jesus I had confidence in Him and that confidence has grown with time.  As a byproduct I have gained confidence in myself.  To be accurate that confidence is in who I am, as per what Papa has shown me.  The confidence in Him is solid, however, the one regarding this girl of His grows shaky at times.

Fluctuating emotions don't help.   As a matter of fact they are the crux of the problem!
When unreasonable emotions rear their heads I can feel as if I am in a vortex, whirling and swirling around.
I can use reason to examine what is going on, but often it doesn't change how I feel. 

I know what has put my emotions in such an upheaval.  Unfamiliar, uncomfortable, unenjoyable ground.  the place I find myself in, as I have said before, is not any place that I would choose to be.  I am not a nurse on purpose and I do not like phones or details that involve things like insurance, disability, retirement, etc.
The things of people's lives or scriptures and especially the Author of those scriptures, now those are my kind of details!

What else has activated some of my emotions?  Loss, of course and also the sense of being helpless to help.  My granddaughter has made some very serious, life changing choices.  She has not been in a good place for a while.  I so want to see her.  Not that I could change things for her, but I'd just like a little face-to-face time with her.  She is in West Virginia, so that isn't going to happen any time very soon.

The upside of all of this is that I have confidence to come to my God with all of it and know that He hears me and that I am welcome.  According to Romans I have been justified by faith, I have peace with God, I stand in His grace, and I can exult in hope.  Believe it or not, I can also exult in my tribulations!
I am free to be me!  I am acceptable to Him just as I am!

Hebrews is the book that speaks of having confidence in come to Him and it is because Jesus is my high priest.  In the Old Testament we find the instructions given to the Jews as to how to approach God.  There was a place in the tabernacle called the Holy of Holies.  Only the high priest could enter there.
There was a very thickly woven curtain that separated this place from the rest.  The priest made atonement of sins there once a year.
As Christ was dieing on the Cross, the sun went in and "darkness fell over the whole land" for three hours! There was an earthquake and that curtain was torn in half from top to bottom! 
Such a picture of what Christ accomplished on that Cross!
No division, no separation anymore!  We can approach the Living God at anytime because of the sacrifice of His Son!
In light of this the writer of Hebrews tells us to "hold fast without wavering!"

Last night I attended my book club.  I was running a little late, as Ray needed a little help with some exercise sheets he needed completed for today.  For a brief moment I thought of staying home, but only briefly!
I enjoy the distraction and the fellowship of such evenings.  Yet, they are a bit out of my element.  A few of the ladies are very comfortably situated and seem to exude a self-assurance.  Situations like this are one of the most challenging for me. 
Why go?  Because some of my dear friends are there and they are reading books that truly interest me.  And after a little while I relax.

However, there is one person who is a very opinionated and forceful person who irks me just a little bit.
:{ She is aware, only in part, of my family's situation and the message I receive from her, whether completely accurate or not, is that I need to embrace and rise above all of it.  In other words, I am failing to do that!
Usually such messages roll off me, but what is disturbing me this time?  I think it is that many in the group do not really know me and I feel like the real Debbie isn't even in attendance.  Sure I am struggling, but I am not sinking!  I know that in time it will work out.  I know that I have a future and a hope because of my God.  I am confident in Him.  But does anyone see that right now?
This morning I was considering telling my friend, who organized this club, that I am withdrawing.  Ah, those miserable emotions!

Ah, my Glorious God!
After my honey headed off to therapy I headed off to sit with Papa for a while.
What did I hear?
That He is with me!  I cannot hear that enough!
A phrase from Manning's "Reflections" devotional leapt off the page and I responded; "Oh, LORD God, I want to respond afresh to the 'living, vibrant, magnificant image of Christ that is within me!'  Oh Papa, express Yourself in and through me!"

Again in Hebrews: "Therefore, since we receive a kingdom which cannot be shaken, let us show gratitude, by which we may offer to God an acceptable service with reverence and awe; for our God is a consuming fire."
Precious LORD God, oh, do consume me!