Saturday, January 8, 2011

Growing Up

Monday will mark my entrance into the sixties.  It seems surreal to me.  In many ways I do not even feel grown up, let alone sixty!
In these sixty years I have learned many lessons.  Some lessons need relearning now and again, if not rather frequently.  At times I wonder when I will really "get it."
The other day I shared a few thoughts on the need to keep one's focus on the Giver of good gifts and not the gifts themselves.  Isn't it interesting how we can share such thoughts and dispense good advice and yet not apply it to ourselves?

I have been very restless; out of sorts, but being an expert in the craft of denial, I have ignored my condition.
Yesterday I got stuck on a hill (seven hills, for those familiar with the area) and because of road conditions, other vehicles and visibility I could not go either up nor down.  It took three phone numbers before I reached someone at home, but the final connection sent Matt and his friend my way.

I spent the time waiting for their arrival with crying.  I felt so helpless, so overwhelmed, so ridiculous!
I taught driving for a number of years and navigated many students through such conditions, but there I sat waiting for help!

What's my problem?
The path I find myself on is not to my liking.  No news there. 
Too much of my day is taken up with responsibilities that I find tedious at best.  Just when things seem to be lightening up, something else arrives on my plate.
We are transitioning from STD (Short-term disability) to LTD (Long-term disability).  No easy feat, it seems.
We are exchanging one disability company for two.
We are also transitioning to different medical coverage.
This entails many phone calls which require the same information over and over again and that is just to get to a real person!
The most challenging part for me is that once I get a person to speak with they refer me to yet another phone number and so the cycle continues!  Most of these people do not have definite answers for me, which is why I am asked to call yet another number.
Oh, I could go on, but you get the picture.

It is wearisome.
It doesn't need to be.
The problem has not been in all the details, but how I am approaching them. 
On my own.

Where is God in all of this?
With me.
I just forget that now and again.
He calls me to abide in Him.  That means to take up residence; to make a place your permanent home.  Sometimes I act as if He is only temporary shelter.  Sigh.

Jesus came to set me free and in Him I am free indeed.  Yet, how easily I accept a chain or two and the encumberance that accompanies them.
But, oh joy (!) My God's love and grace are extravagant and the moment I look to Him, the chains fall away!

Today something Jesus said was brought to mind.  He said that those who are faithful in little things will be faithful in the big things.  It starts with the small details of life.
To be faithful I know I must "die to self."  That really is a symbol of freedom; an opportunity to be a "living sacrifice."  In other words I need to "let go and let God" in ALL THINGS!

The blessings flow through the challenges.  That is what makes they true blessings.  Blessings that last.  Blessings that have the mark of eternity; that have gone through the refiners fire.
On my own I am not up to the task.  Thank God I am not in this alone.  With Him and in particular, in Him I can do all things. 
I might even grow up a little more!
Though in many ways I will always be His little girl...

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