Flesh and Blood

Many years ago, when we still lived in New York, Ray was in the throes of alcoholism and our oldest son was well into his rebellion. On a day where I was struggling over these issues I encountered a fellow Christian, of sorts. She asked me how I was and I replied, "Oh, okay." Her response? "Oh, no, no, no! We have Jesus! We can always rejoice!!"
I walked away from that brief exchange feeling like a failure. What kind of Christian was I to not be overflowing with joy every second of my day? How dare I struggle? I must not be trusting my God!
Lies, all lies!! The LORD knows full well what we are made of and He is not the one who forgets! Often we are harder on ourselves than He ever would be.
I am reminding myself of this as I struggle. I am choosing to NOT listen to the voices that say, "How can you be anxious? How can you grow weary? Aren't you trusting your God?
Oh yes, I am trusting Him and I know beyond knowing that He is tustworthy! However, I am flesh and blood. My husband, also, is flesh and blood. And in our skin we are struggling.
This is Ray's worst nightmare. As I have said, he actually spoke of his fear of ever being in such a condition. Though he is progressing; wonderfully, it doesn't seem so to him. Remember he just really woke up.
What a gift that he wasn't truly aware for the past six weeks! Yet, he is now and it is very difficult for him on many levels.
Helpless. Don't we all love that feeling?
Bored. Really helps pass the time, doesn't it?
Confused. What month is it? What was our life like before this? What is that object?
Scared. How much will I recover? Will this left arm ever respond?
I am sure there is more, but that is what I see when I am with my husband.
I share some of those concerns and more. The past six months have been the best of our marriage. We had been beginning to really enjoy each other. We both had mellowed and I had been seeing Ray rest more and more in our great God. He had moved from struggling with religion to embracing relationship. A joy to watch unfold!
Will our relationship be as good or better after we get through this or will we have to regain ground?
A few years ago Ray's dad came to live with us. His health, both physically and mentally was not good. Though it wasn't easy, it was a blessing. We learned much through the experience and grew. And Dad came to be able to receive love; our love and that of Papa!
As I spend time with my husband, I feel like it is my father-in-law I am seeing. The mannerisms, the responses, the childlikeness. It is scary.
I know we are on a journey and it hasn't all unfolded as of yet, however, these are some of the thoughts that scramble for attention in this head of mine.
Ray wore his speech valve for our entire visit yesterday and spoke a few times. I called his mom and she was able to speak with him for a moment. It made her day!
Mom told him that she loved him and Ray responded with a "I love you too." Wonderful.
Oh yes, wonderful, but it stirred a longing in my heart; a longing to hear him say that to me. Each day I tell him over and over that I love him and he nods, but no words.
Papa reminded me that Mom wouldn't have seen a nod and Ray definitely conserves his words. Imagine that!! Ray conserving words!!!
He also reminded me that the nurse said he had asked for me all morning. I asked him if he had missed me and he, once again, nodded!
There was an email waiting for me this morning that is a brief devotional thought. "Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD and whose trust is the LORD." Jeremiah 17:7. The comment was that it is easy for us to start looking to a man and seeking to please them instead of God. When we look to man we will be tossed about to and fro, but trusting in God makes for solid footing.
Something I have had to work on for years is my habit of "people pleasing". We codependents do that. This is what has fueled my thoughts this past day or so. How can I please Ray and make our relationship what it was? Oh please! Thank You, Papa, for getting my attention!
Will I continue to have my struggles? Of course! I'm still breathing, aren't I?
A comment by David Jeremish really spoke to me today. "Even the darkest threads in the weave help to provide the overall beauty of the tapestry." The tapestry called my life is in Papa's Hands.