Monday, November 8, 2010

Some people thrive on the emotion of anger.  Not me.  I do not like the feeling at all and find it very exhausting.
I am exhausted right now because I am very angry!  I could spit nails, I am so angry!!!
Disorder is very irritating, disregard for others and their needs even more so. 

The disability saga continues. 
More phone calls.
More voice mails.
Tomorrow is the deadline.
I think there is a knot growng in my stomach.

I sat on the floor and cried to Papa.  Then I felt prompted to try calling Gaylord to reach the doctor's office again.  Somehow I ended up being picked up by the wrong department.  The knot did a little twist.  However, it was a God thing!  The person who answered told me she would transfer me to the doctor's secretary's direct line, but first she gave me the number for the future!
A glimmer of light!

I learned that no forms have arrived for the doctor to fill out.  They had hoped to receive something last week, as the doctor is out today.  They expect her, hopefully, tomorrow.
Another call to the disability people was less hopeful.  The operator tried a whole list of people and each one went directly to voice mail!  The "specialist" who normally handles our case has her "out of the office" message on.
This, I am sure, is the cause of the problem.  Others are simply filling in for her and nothing is being done in a timely fashion. 
I left a message for one of the supervisors and asked that they call my cell, if they did not reach me at home.  They never do try the second number, so I asked Ray to answer the phone and tell them to call me, as I had to take care of a few errands.  The supervisor called and told Ray that they had faxed the paper and there was no need to speak with me.  He called to inform me of this.
I got into my care, onto the highway and in the privacy of my car screamed!  Yes, calm Debbie screamed!

I do not want to be in charge anymore!!  As a matter of fact, I do not want to be grown-up anymore either!  Where do I resign?!
Realizing that I was losing it I sent out a text for prayer.  I needed it!

So did God take a vacation?  Has He vacated His Throne??  No. 
So what's my problem?  I guess my humanity is showing...

Just this morning I was reading in the second book of Kings in the Old Testament and do you know what I wrote in my journal?
"My God cares about every detail of my life - even a loaned axehead!"  In the sixth chapter we read that Elisha was with some of the other prophets while they were building homes for themselves.  The head of one of the axes flew off and landing in a body of water that was nearby where it promptly sank to the bottom.  The man cried to Elisha that it was on loan.  Elisha, obviously under Papa's direction, threw a piece of wood into the water which actually caused the axehead to float!  A miracle!

I know He cares for me and that I can cast all of my cares on Him.  I guess I forgot.

Something else that I wrote in my journal: "Grace causes humility to surface."  This was in reference to something else I had read.  Our God is so gracious.  When I had my fit today, He didn't abandon me.  When I was frustrated with phone calls, He took care of it before I changed my attitude.
In light of His grace which He extends to me continually, I bend my knees and heart to Him.  All glory to my Gracious God!  He is God.  He is LORD.  And this God extends His tender care to me!  Yes, praise Him!!

He will take care of this disability thing.  Maybe not the way I want Him to, but He will handle it.  There are probably a few more lessons I need to learn through all of this.  (You think?)
I just pray that I am a quick learner!!

Regarding the errands I had to do.  One was to buy a new cell phone, as my is dieing.  After a few minutes with the salesman I left.  He was not interested in helping me decide what was best for my needs and in my mood I thought it wise to depart the store!  It seems to me that all the conveniences we have today are making our lives more complicated!

On a different note, let me share how lovely the potluck was last night!  Ray was much more relaxed and didn't seem to tire so quickly as last time.  We had friends from near and far, a new friend and even someone we met for the first time last night!  Two young girls came with their mothers and now each have a new friend!
Everything was delicious!  Our son, Tim was in attendance.  He loves to eat and kept exclaiming over each dish as it arrived.  Oh, he did hug the bearers also!

There is a Bible study tonight and I think it would be a very good place for me to be.  This means I need to stop writing and take care of a few details, such as Ray's therapy, so I can actually go!

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