So many thoughts have been flitting through my mind; thoughts that I have wanted to share here. The problem is they kept going.
Usually I can hold onto the thoughts or, on occasion, jot down a few words to jog my memory later on. Not now. No time.
It seems that everything is flitting by. Time is flying by. I feel like every moment is filled with something that needs tending. I am on call and I do get called; called by my honey, called by doctors' offices, called by workers' compensation, etc. I have never enjoyed the phone and now I like it even less!

Have I mentioned that I like to ease into my day and not have to rush into anything. I do not think Papa designed me to be busy all the time. Actually, I don't think any of us were made that way. However, I, moreso than some, need lots of room to breath. I like to think all kinds of thoughts, give them time to grow and have the time to reflect.

Right now that isn't happening.

It is what it is. This I know and do remind myself often. Accept what you cannot change girl!
Everything is temporary. This is good to remember also. Change will come!
It never hurts to keep these facts in focus, but there are richer truths to hang onto.

As I continued my study in First Corinthians the fifteenth chapter I was reminded that a life lived for God is never lived in vain. Even though this place I find myself in is not very comfortable, it is worthwhile! Anything done under the tuteluge of His Holy Spirit is worth doing!
I was also encouraged and comforted by the truth that death does not have, nor is, the final word. Something I need to hang onto as the reality of Sara's death sinks into my heart and mind.
Finally, in my reading, I was stirred by the thought to live under the influence of love with gusto and determination. He is my influence and by His power I can and will live as fully as possible, for His Glory!

Why? Well, as the thirty-second chapter, the fortieth verse of Jeremiah proclaims; He loves me!
Oh my Jesus, You love me so much! May I embrace that love and offer it back to You!

Thursday morning in response to second Corinthians, chapter four, verses sixteen through eighteen, I wrote the following in my journal:
"In light of eternity, which holds the "weight of glory" these trials are brief and light. If both the trials and the glory were put on scales the trials would hold no weight at all."
Three days later, do I feel the same way? I do.
Oh, my heart is broken and throughout my day tears come suddenly. Pictures appear in my mind's eye. Pictures I will never forget; pictures that wrench my heart.

Sara's cousins, which included three of my sons, looking so solemn, lifting Sara's coffin; each with one hand across their chest, carrying it to the hearse.
Sara at three months old laying on our bed that was covered with numerous baby blankets, being posed for the camera that Uncle Ray held.
The line of family and friends at the gravesite placing a flower on top of the coffin, with the last one being my sister, Sara's mother, Chris. She placed her flower and then she bowed forward with both her hands on her precious daughter's casket. Bowed down with grief, a sob escaping her lips.
Sara's garden filled with black-eyed Susan's. Did I ever tell her that they are not only my favorite flower, but also my grandmother's, her great-grandmother's?

If I did not believe and know that my God keeps His promises and that He is loving, the grief would be too much to bear. The greatest comfort is that it is not up to me to find the strength, but just to look to Him. He is all I or anyone else needs and He waits for us to turn to Him. He promises never to leave or forsake His own.

Friday night I had the opportunity to share my thoughts. I had anticipated saying something on Saturday and planned to write my thoughts down that night, but the way opened and Papa sent me forth. What a joy to be able to rely upon Him for the words.
I do not know all I said, but do know it was from my heart and Papa's.

My beautiful niece is an amazing woman. I speak in the present because she has not ceased to exist, but has just changed her residency. I do know that I told those in attendance that I was there to celebrate her life.
Our cherished family members and friends are around us day in and day out. We rarely stop to truly reflect on all they are. Certainly we have cause to pause at particular moments, but not often enough!
As I reflect on Sara, I realize that one of her gifts was that she envisioned a future for everyone who crossed her path. Whether it was one of her students, a friend or a family member she was always encouraging them and us to stretch and be all we could be. She saw everyone as individuals. I believe that her husband, Tim, would agree. She has been his cheerleader since day one.

A number of others spoke also, including a teacher whose class was one where Sara student taught. She is a gifted teacher and demonstrated that on her third day with him!

I have this thought of Sara as the mother hen of our family. She was always brooding over one or another, concerned that each one would be making the right choices. Over the years she had expressed concern or approval over whoever her cousins were dating. She had recently told our son Jonathan that his girlfriend was a keeper and he'd have to answer to her if he messed the relationship up!
Even a few days before she left us, as she laid in her hospital bed, she expressed concern for one of her cousins to his mother. She wanted her aunt to just check things out to make sure he was making good choices!

Yes, there is a big hole in my heart. Not only over the loss of such a vibrant, talented, caring, young woman, but for my sister. It is my heart's longing that she come to experience Papa not only as her Redeemer and Comforter, but as her friend. Papa give my beloved sister a glimpse of the "weight of glory" and I know that this terrible trial will be lightened in time.

On the Reynolds' home front we face a week of doctor appointments and setting up of outpatient physical therapy. We go to a doctor tomorrow armed with a list of questions. We need to decide which PT facility will benefit Ray the most. It is between Gaylord, which we know is wonderful and ACCESS. The latter is located next to Kaynor Tech and would certainly be more convenient.

My honey is a bit worn out after this weekend, but still is gaining strength. I cannot remember if I reported that he moved all his fingers on his left hand! We have many quesitons for the doctor regarding this hand and arm.

Ray's presence at the funeral encouraged many. One after another came up to him to express their joy at how well he is recovering.
It is our desire to encourage all we meet along the way.
Today, as I read the first thirty-four verses in the fifteenth chapter of First Corinthinians, I prayed that my LORD would make sure that no one in my life would be able to say that they "had no knowledge of Christ."
Many told me that they were given hope through my words on Friday night. I hope so, as I desire to be His fragrance bearer wherever I go and His fragrance is exquisite!

Two days, two very full days, down...one to go...and then....

Papa alone knows.

He has carried us thus far and isn't about to drop us now.

Yes, carrying everyone of us, without any fanfare, simply with grace.

He has such style.

I, for one, am so very privileged to have been given the gift to be able to see His Hand.

There has been so much evidence.

Wednesday was a day of planning; so many details. Who could I ask to stay with Ray all day Thursday so I could be with my sisters?

An offer came via the phone before I could ask the question! Papa had it in hand.

Surprisingly, Matthew had no work for Friday, so he was available to stay home with his dad. Matt commented that Papa is obviously handling his schedule. :)

Two big details taken care of with no effort on my part. So I could relax, right?

Not so easy when one discovers on Thursday morning that a couple of prescriptions needed renewing and refilling immediately. How'd I miss these important details? Easily, unfortunately.

The challenge was to find someone who would write them. Our appointment is Monday. No doctor is willing to write anything without seeing the patient first. The medication had been prescribed by the doctor at Glendale. It took a couple of calls to the facility to get someone to agree to issue these necessary scripts.

As I was trying to tie up all the loose ends, my husband needed attention too. For the first time I felt a little annoyed with all the attention he was needing.

I was scheduled to take the 12:30 ferry and my departure time was nearing.

My stress level was high. I think the underlying problem was that I felt like I was doing a poor job of taking care of my sweetie's needs.

The ride to the ferry with a dear friend helped me decompress and then a little talk with Papa settled me back down.

Since disembarking the ferry it has felt surreal at times. What were we doing at a funeral home? Where was Sara? That can't be her in that coffin!

That night we spent at the funeral home; it was the first night of the wake. About seven hundred people came through.

Papa, of course, was in attendance.

So much love. Such a gift. Family. Friends, many just like family. Sara's colleagues, former students and their parents, all had been impacted by her.

So many memories, good memories. Numerous poster boards covered with pictures.

Relationships renewed; healing and forgiveness were in evidence.

At one point I realized that Papa had lifted a very old hurt from my heart, something that I hadn't thought of in a long time, and replaced it with love for the individual. A love that stirs a desire to have this person in my life.

Believe me, this is a very big deal!

Tomorrow is the funeral. It will be a long and difficult day. There will be many long and difficult days to follow for all whose lives were interwoven with Sara's. My sister has lost her only child and best friend. She will need to be held close.

Sara's husband, Tim, has not come to anything, but instead has isolated himself. He has cheated himself out of the love and strength that was waiting for him. I believe he thinks he is not worthy to receive any of it. Though no one has been able to reach him, I know Papa can. He alone knows how to reach this hurting man.

Tonight Matt packed his father into the car, picked his older brother, Eric, up at the airport, drove to the Bridgeport ferry and has now arrived at his brother Jonathan's place. Jon's apartment is amazingly equipped with a stair chair!! This makes it the most logical place for Ray to stay. He had to come, Sara was the apple of his eye.

Papa has blessed Ray and I with wonderful sons. We regularly thank Him!

Though tomorrow will deepen our grief in some ways, I know that the God of all comfort will carry us through. May all avail themselves of all He offers!

This pilgrimage deeper into the Kingdom is like no other!
I love to read and a favorite book of mine is "Pilgrim's Progress." One of the messages of the book is that everything we encounter on our journey to the Holy City can be used to strengthen and bless us.
According to Brennan Manning this journey is one that is filled with promise, possiblities and discovery. I concur!
The promise of Heaven! No matter what valleys or mountains this adventure leads me to, I can be certain of the final outcome. Now that is the best promise we could ever receive! Praise God!
The possiblities are vast. How much do I want to experience of what He would like to show me? There lies the limits - I get as much as I really want.
Oh, and the discoveries! It is Papa that I get to discover more about along the way.
If I so choose.
His Word is one place to make discoveries. I am constantly amazed as I come across something "new." I have been studying this book for over thirty years, cover to cover, and still am making discoveries. Papa loves to use His Word to speak to my heart.
This morning I was reading a section of the first epistle to the Corinthians. I had to stop when I came to verse twenty-six in the twelfth chapter. "And if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it."
My life has been an interesting one. There have been many challenges throughout. Papa has always had people in my life to come alongside me. Being part of the "body" has been such a good thing.
Yet...
Never have I experienced such a time where so many have come alongside in such a heartfelt way. I know that I and my family are carried daily in many hearts and prayers. The God of all comfort has been evident in so many dear ones. I am humbled by such tenderness, such love. All I can do is bow before my Savior and worship. If I were to stop short of giving Him the glory, I would be cheating my God out of what He deserves and cheating myself out of the joy of more of Him. For He inhabits the praises of His people. Such grace!!

I will be heading to NY tomorrow morning to be with my sisters and their families. We bury Sara on Saturday. That sounds so odd to say.
My sons will be pallbearers. That sounds very odd too.
It is a great comfort to know that we will be held closely in heart and in prayer.
To Him be all the glory!!

Peace like a river attendeth my way...

Papa has given me His peace. All the turmoil washed away as His peace flooded my soul.

My precious niece is gone from this life.
Shortly before Sara died, my sister Patti encouraged her to look to Jesus and go into His arms.
She went.

"Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away."
That's from the thirty-fifth chapter of Isaiah, the tenth verse.

I am glad because I know who my God is. He is the supplier of joy.
Do I and will I grieve? Oh yes.
We were not designed to experience death; this separation is an unnatural one.
But I do not grieve as one without hope.
He is my hope. A sure hope.

Oh Papa may all my family look to You and receive this hope, the gladness and joy, that only comes from You!

"Weeping may last for the night,
But a shout of joy comes in the morning."
That's what David says in the thirtieth Psalm.

I believe it.
I know it is true and have experienced it.
It is just very hard at the moment.
The night is dark.
The weeping has turned to groaning at the moment.

My husband is so limited. There are so many consequences from that wretched accident that he is having to endure.
I woke this morning to the steady sound of rain fall. Lovely.
Ray couldn't hear it.
I sat and read the Sunday paper.
Ray's vision is so impaired that it is a chore to try reading anything.
Enough said.

My niece is failing quickly. Her mother is falling apart. The family is a mess. There is no one to speak of spiritual things; no one to proclaim hope.
It is breaking my heart that I cannot be there. Oh Papa!! I know Your heart is breaking too. Please help them to sense Your Presense! May they know You as the God of all Comfort that You are!

I do not want to struggle against these restraints that my God has allowed. Yet, I do. I am ever grateful that He loves me just as well, even as I wrestle within these confines.
All Praise to His Name!!

The Homecoming

I get by with a little help from my friends....

Over the years the question has often been asked of me as to how I continue to keep going no matter what challenge comes my way. My answer has always been, "the LORD"; He has carried me through one adventure after another.
That is the truth. He is faithful. His love is constant. As I, or anyone else, looks to Him for strength and help, we are never met with disappointment.
Now how is it that I, or anyone else, can keep looking to Him?
Faith.
I do believe that faith is a gift from Him.
But there is more to it.
He has called us to be a community; His body.

Unlike those who penned my opening line the help I get from my friends comes in words; words of encouragement and understanding and more importantly words directed to the Father on my behalf.

Take today. Please! Oh right, it is almost over, too late to do anything with the day, but put it to bed. What a relief.
I am emotionally and physically exhausted.

Shortly after ten this morning I arrived at Glendale to bring my honey home. I had already done a number of tasks at home and errands around town before I ever pulled up to the facility. I was feeling good; in control.

Ray was just about ready to go out the door. He still needed to get his leg brace on, so I proceeded to help him with it. I discovered that it was coming apart. There was no stability for Ray's ankle and foot.
Actually two days ago I had found a metal piece on his floor and put it on the dresser, as I had no idea where it belonged.
Now I knew.
The PT came in and was surprised by this discovery. Hadn't they been putting it on him each morning?
Oh well, I would contact the supplier once we arrived home. This contact would reveal that they do not make house calls, so Monday I need to get it to them!

Check out entailed many instructions. This included a long list of medications and when to administer them, along with instructions to have blood work done weekly. Then there were the appointments to make and the people who would be calling to set up appointments to see us at home.

The feeling of control was wavering.

It would be alright. We just needed to get home.

Our friend James was meeting us there to help Ray into the house, but hadn't arrived by the time we pulled in. My beloved did not understand why I wanted to wait for James.
I encouraged him to stay put while I opened the door to the house.
Oh sure.
When I returned to the car he was getting out and trying to stand up. Ray insisted on heading to the house. However, he was not steady on his feet and the gravel did not help!
We finally reached the first step to the sidewalk and discovered that apart from my husband being wobbling we also had to deal with his left foot's inability to lift up and over the step thanks to the malfunctioning brace!
I thought we were going to tumble into the bushes and if we had continued our course, I am sure that we would have done just that!
Just then James pulled up. He nearly had to carry Ray to the front door, up the stairs and into the living room. Poor guy! I hope his back is alright!

After a short visit James departed and we were alone.
Ray was sitting comfortably, so I headed down the hall for a moment. At that point, it seems that he decided he needed to go see our porch. That is when I heard the crash!
He didn't make it. Not only that but he cut his nose and mangled his glasses. He is on coumadin, so I had to make sure that the bleeding stopped.

I cannot get him up by myself, but did bring a stepstool over to him to use as he tried to get up on his own. It has rubber feet and is very stable.
Well, he did it! Bravo!! It took some manuevering, but in time he was, indeed, up.
I was...I have no idea what I was, besides wanting to run away.

There were no more falls for the rest of the day, of which I am very grateful! In part that is due to the delivery of a wheelchair, which meant he could be comfortably mobile.
The facility hadn't ordered one until I questioned them yesterday.
He has been in a chair, apart from walking during PT this whole time. Was it realistic to expect him to be able to handle walking everywhere from now on? They hadn't thought of that!
Our experience simply underscored how right I was. Not very satisfying.

I certainly understand his need to be independent, however, I wish he understood my concerns as well.

There were a couple of other challenges to this day, but I will forego giving any details. Let's just say, that the fact that I am not a nurse on purpose does not seem to matter!!

So what does this have to do with the help I get from my friends and, of course, my gracious God?
A whole lot!

I did not run away.
The thought kept surfacing, as a reminder, that Ray was not doing any of this on purpose. He was not trying to be difficult.
Another thought, as I hurried from room to room, I could. Yes, I was free to move about and do as I pleased. Sure I am restricted, but it does not compare to what my poor guy is facing.
Yet another thought, this is not the end. He will improve. And even if there are hindrances the rest of our lives, so what? We have eternity!!

Now if those aren't answers to prayer, I do not know what is.
So, thank you, dear friends. Your help is more than getting me by!
And Papa, thank you for designing Your body in such an amazing way!