Things get misplaced from time to time; some of which are not greatly missed, but some leave a big, glaring gap, as they are essential. I have realized that one of the latter is missing in my life and I am on a hunt. If you see it, let me know as soon as possible?! Oh, you need to know what it is?
My sense of humor. I left it somewhere and I need it back!
By nature I am of the more serious type and have been known to be a little bit more introspective than is healthy for a person to be. Papa, in His grace, has been teaching me over the years to lighten up and as I have matured with age I have become a more willing student.
Lately, it appears that I have been playing hooky.
Life has been and is really heavy these days. To be honest it feels like bad news likes to arrrive on my doorstep regularly. Never have I experienced so much heartache so constantly. It is like I am in a sea of it and just as I come up for air - a wave of more comes bearing down on me.
Yesterday was no exception. My dear husband was in pain when Matt and I came to visit. The left arm was experiencing waves of serious pain. Out of a ten Ray said it was a seven.
The nurses and I think it is probably "phantom pain." I am calling his doctor today to discuss this.
Ray is still experiencing dizziness and a drop in his blood pressure when standing.
He has a doctor's appointment this coming Thursday morning with the orthopedic spine surgeon. I am going to hire a chair van, as I am not confident enough that I can transport him myself. Hopefully, that will be the day that his neck brace comes off!!
My day ended with devastating news. Our precious niece, who was recovering from breast cancer after a year of one challenge after another had a cat scan yesterday. They discovered cancerous tumors in her brain, lungs and liver. Sara will turn thirty-three next week.
When I received this news I could not contain myself. I am not overly dramatic and usually am quiet in my grief, etc., but I wailed.
So is it even legitimate to want that sense of humor back? Yes! Otherwise, I will drown.
Along with humor I must cling to Truth.
What is the purpose of this life? Of any life?
To know God and to develop an intimate relationship with Him. This is the preparation ground for eternity.
To know Him makes all the difference in living this life of adventure.
This morning I read something by David Jeremiah. He said that "It is not the absence of suffering, but the response to suffering that makes Christians unique. We are not exempt from trials in life, but we can be exempt from failure in those trials."
In the gospel of John we read "Apart from Him, I can do nothing!" BUT with Him I can not only make it through, but in victory!
A verse that has spoken to me many times over the years is found in Job twenty-three, verse ten.
"But He knows the way that I take;
When He has tried me, I shall come forth as gold."
He is with me on this journey and allows all of the trials to help me become all He intends.
May my life shine for Jesus!!

Relationships are the stuff of life. What is life without them?
Just like everything else, relationships change. They have their ups.... and they have their downs. After all it is a wild ride, isn't it?
I prefer the ups, don't you? Then I feel more "in control." An illusion, I know. The downs reinforce the fact that I am definitely not "in control!"
These relationships are affected by all that happens around them. Without Papa, at times, one feels tossed about like an anchorless ship! With Papa, it still isn't easy to face some of the changes that come. Just like a child who trusts her daddy, but still is scared, I hide behind Him and dare to just give a peek at what is facing me.

I wonder what Ray's and my relationship will look like once he is home and a bit more self-sufficient? As I've said before, our current relationship often reminds me of how his dad and I interacted while we cared for him.
I do feel strongly the role of caretaker. It is an odd fit. Over the years I have been known to say that I am not a nurse on purpose, so this in not a natural role for me, but it is one I willingly accept.
Yesterday the staff doctor came in to see Ray. I felt like he was working for the insurance company. He asked my husband how many stairs there were to negotiate into our home. Then he asked if Ray felt he could climb them. Ray assured him that he could. "Good," was the doctor's reply.
Hello-o-o!! Mr. Doctor have you read the therapists' notes?? I tried to make a few comments, but the man was not interested in hearing from me. Must have been one of my invisible days!
This conversation got me thinking about how soon Ray may be coming home and what it will be like to have him here. It will no longer be visiting for a couple of hours and letting everyone else do the majority of caregiving. It made me feel very tired.
Okay. One day at a time!
Other relationships have been altered through this adventure. My sons have taken on different roles. They have stepped up to the plate and taken more responsibility; willingly helping me shoulder the added load, where possible.
The two that are living with me are on the front lines. They both work full-time and have other concerns, as well. I try not to lean too hard on either one. They are dealing with all that has been happening, also. However, conflict is inevitable, I guess.
One son and I have hit a little pothole in this road we're on. It came to a head this morning. My answer? I cried for a good part of the rest of this morning.
Good solution, yuh? Actually, yes. I was overdue.
Papa had a few Words for me.

"Behold, the eye of the LORD is on those who fear Him,
On those who hope for His lovingkindness.
Oh soul, wait for the LORD, He is our help and our shield.
For our heart rejoices in Him, because we trust in His Holy Name."
That's from Psalm thirty three.

He is watching over me, over us. He is my hope, my help and my shield!
My heart does rejoice right in the midst of all these crazy changes, because I know that His Name tells me Who He is. He is everything I need!
"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me!" That's what I read in Philippians four, verse thirteen. He gave me this today too.
So when I get tired, weary, I can be sure that there is still strength available to me, because I am His!!

Ray was a bit confused today. He thought Gerald Ford was still president! We met December of 1976, so I wonder if he was thinking that I looked a lot older than he remembered!!
The other day I saw his weight in his chart. He has lost at least twenty-five or thirty pounds. When I told him how much he weighed he commented that he had gained weight. Well, yes, if it indeed is during Ford's administration!
They had to cut OT short today as Ray became very dizzy while standing. He hasn't had that problem in a few weeks!
During my visit with him a young woman came in and told me that she was going to pick him up. I thought, "This I want to see!" After she made a few more comments I deduced that she was the speech therapist and she was going to add him to his client list. Words certainly can mislead when taken out of context!
Tim came home after visiting with his dad and told me that he had a few very uncomfortable moments with Ray. For whatever reason they were discussing Ray's mom's age. Tim asked his dad if there was a big age difference between his dad and mom, as when grandpa died he was eighty-seven. Ray asked, "My father's dead? That can't be!" Tim reminded him that grandpa had died a couple of years ago after having lived with us and then Uncle Jeff and Aunt Audrey. What was Ray's response? "Oh, no wonder he hasn't called me!"
My poor honey! He was wondering why he hadn't heard from his dad! I wish he had said something.
Tim shared that Ray thought his left arm was his father's; the one he left behind.
He was experiencing a bit of pain in his arm today. He tells me that it doesn't hurt in the physical arm, but the pain is in the arm that is in a different position. I wonder if this is what is called "phantom pain?"
I asked him if I could get him anything. He replied, "A new arm."
In the past few days I have seen Ray trying to do something with his right hand that normally takes two hands. I wanted to offer to help, but realized that he needs to figure it out for himself. Whether it is opening a small container of milk or manuvering his wheelchair, I am holding back unless he asks for help.
Sometimes Ray gets a faraway look in his eyes and then a fearful look passes his face. I am claiming second Timothy one, verse seven for him (and me!).
"God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind."
We have been freed from fear and it has been replaced with power, love and a sound mind! Our Papa never takes something, no matter what it is and leaves a void, but He replaces it with Himself, as He is the source of all that is good!

The internet was out last night, so when I awoke after half an hour's sleep and felt compelled to get my thoughts down I had to settle for my journal for the moment. There were many of them to document. Here's what I wrote.
The specialist, who did the EMG on Ray's arm, called me Saturday afternoon. She said I was on her mind, so she had to call. Thank You, Papa!
She and her team hold no hope for recovery of that left arm. Out of all the areas that were tested only one showed any nerve life and that was at one five-hundredth of what it should have been. The doctor said if anything, that one response might grow slightly, but it will not make any significant difference.
I am not sharing this with my husband just yet. He needs to be as positive as possible and continue to put his best effort forth doing his part in his recovery. There will be time. Anyway, Papa is still on His Throne, so who knows?!
This news weighed heavy on me throughout the day, along with all the sad situations that surround me. Yes, I know I just said He is still on the Throne, but I AM ALSO STILL HUMAN!
My precious niece is struggling on her journey through breast cancer and its aftermath, along with difficulties in her marriage.
A ray of sunshine; a sweet woman is going to see her Savior face to face and her good husband is having to let her go.
Another dear friend is facing surgery with the hope and prayer that there will be no continuing problems.
I could go on, but you get the picture. Meanwhile, please lift these dear ones up to the Throne of Grace! He knows their names.
As I laid in bed reflecting on the pain that life can bring, I realized that I have never before been so intimately acquainted with so much grief all at once.
Life can be very sobering.
What was I feeling? It isn't always easy to identify what emotions are churning away within us. I was feeling as if I were pressed against a wall; pinned there.
The accuser was there with his harsh, chilling light glaring down on me. He sought to interrogate me.
"So your God allows all this pain and heartache, does He? He allows loss; loss of life, loss of limb, loss of security and peace? This is your Papa? Can you still trust Him? Do you still put your faith in Him?"
Oh yes! To whom else would I go? He alone holds the words of eternal life! He alone gives real peace, even when the world's form of peace is gone! Joy in the midst of loss and pain is available through and from Him!
He has a purpose in allowing all of this, each and every bit!
Papa took me to two passages of scripture.
Romans five, verses one through five. The result of perseverance? Proven character, which leads to hope. Ah, yes that word again, so much more than simply a word! An anchor in a storm - the storms of life! It is a hope that does not disappoint!!
Why?
Because He has poured out His love within our hearts!
When you have experienced His love, you can be sure it is safe to trust Him, no matter what comes!
Do I like it? Of course not! Who does?
We all hope to go off into the sunset hand in hand. That is natural. Deep down we expect a perfect life because that is what we were designed to experience.
And we would...But for the fall. The fall, where man and nature in rebellion caused their relationship with God to be broken.
He has made the way to experience relationship with Him, because (to quote a lovely lady) He wants us back! Yet, the world is still broken and we are here "working out our salvation."
The "sure hope" is, in part, that this is not all there is! Praise His Holy Name!!
Now for the second passage, which has taken on new meaning for me.
Second Corinthians four, verses seven through eleven.
"But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the surpassing greatness of the power may be of God and not from ourselves; we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh."
AMEN!!

A precious friend of mine has said that everyone needs to go through life with a mother and a secretary by their side. I have always heartily agreed, especially since I am not the greatest detail person! And life is full of details!
Never before has the need for such help been so greatly felt! Besides all the household details that we all deal with and all the related decisions, all that comes with the situation we find ourselves in is a fulltime endeavor on its own!
When Ray was at Gaylord there was a case coordinator extraordinaire, Natalie. She handled or brought to my attention any details that I missed or simply wasn't aware.
We are all very aware already that we, just like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, aren't in Kansas anymore! So I am not expecting such close involvement on the part of anyone from Glendale.
Ray has a number of doctor appointments scheduled over the next two months and I will need to figure out transportation. I also need to speak with a few of his regular doctors, who I would like to have take over his case now that he is closer to them.
The specialist that has the results of Ray's EMG has still not called, so I need to pursue this next week. The OT at Glendale was going to begin treatment of Ray's arm, but I do not want anything to be done until we learn what the problem is. There was discussion of electric-stem treatment, but I think it unwise to pursue this until we are sure it is the right way to go. I am concerned that the result of hasty treatment could be unnecessary damage or pain. Ray's arm experiences enough dicomfort without adding to it!
Then there is the insurance company, who wants him home in two weeks! Let's not forget the bills they rejected; such as the one from Waterbury Hospital. The four hour stay amounted to-Are you ready?-over thirty-one thousand dollars!!
Phone calls. I am not a phone person. Give me a face! Oh, and we know that it will be a challenge to actually speak with a human being, don't we?!
Depending upon how these calls go I might need to contact the State liason that handles problems with insurance companies. There is also a contact at Ray's union. So there is help out there. It's just doing the footwork.
My honey needs to do his light therapy every day and then there is the eye exercise that his former OT recommended he also do. I am looking for help with these, as I do not want to spend all my time with him in the role of therapist!
On a positive note I want to send thank you's to the long and growing list of those who helped make the ziti supper a huge success!
I see how this coming week is shaping up! Where's that secretary??
As far as the mother, well there is a dear woman who I call my adopted mom. I think I will have to find time for a cup of tea with Betty!
When Dorothy landed in the strange land she received ruby slippers, which could have taken her home right away had she known their power to do so. Every day I receive gifts from Papa that remind me that I have my home in Him. I can be at home while in this strange land.
Today the gifts were found in Psalm one hundred and forty-six.
"How blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the LORD his God." (verse five) He is my help and my hope through all the details of life.
My response to this promise? "I will praise the LORD while I live; I will sing praises to my God while I have my being!" (verse two)
I think this calls for a dance in these lovely slippers Papa gave me!!

My heart is so heavy; the sorrow is too much too bear. This morning I received news from a number of places and all of it is sad. People grieving, people struggling, relationships breaking apart. Too much, too much!!
For those who don't know to look to Papa the burdens are more than crushing. I know; I've been there.
With Him they are very intense, yet you get carried through them and do come out the other side. You don't know how; you just know Who.
Each morning I read from His love letter along with a few devotional thoughts of others, who are on this grand adventure. He speaks to my heart through one or all each day. Today His gift to me is Psalm sixty eight, verse nineteen. He intends for us to share all our gifts, so here receive this from His Heart and mine!
"Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears our burden, The God who is our salvation."
Did you pay attention to the word 'daily'? It could also read 'moment by moment.'
The previous eighteen verses remindsed me Who this One is that bears my burdens.
He is God. In Hebrew it is the word Elohim. Isn't that a wonderful word?! I love the Hebrew names for my God. They are so rich and descriptive!
He is Lord and Master; Adonai!
He is The LORD Who is the faithful promise keeper!
And He is Almighty!! El Shaddai!!
Though my heart aches, my hope is in You, my God, my Papa!!

This morning my first thoughts were about insurance. Yikes! Not the way I want to start my day. Usually saying good morning to Papa is what comes to my mind before anything else.
My shoulders ached and my head was spinning. I got out of bed and spent the next hour going from thing to thing.
I made my tea and sat down to spend time with my Papa and next thing I knew I was up tending to "just one thing." You know the ball in an active pinball machine? That was me! Zinging here and there.
Oh, I'll just check my email quickly! Well, Papa had a message waiting for His girl in the first email that I opened.
"It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man." Psalm 118:8
He knows. He understands. And He is with me; even as I bounce all over the place!
Okay, my Precious Friend, my Rock, my Fortress, my Advocate, my Comfort, my Strength. Thank you for reminding me that You alone are in charge; You have it all in hand!
I just received a call from the case coordinator at Gaylord. The insurance company relented and is now paying for the transport to Glendale!!! Whoa, my Papa takes such good care of us! How gracious He is!! Why do I allow myself to lose sight of the fact that we are in the care of the Almighty God. He is LORD of lords and King of kings and nothing is impossible for Him!!
Papa, guard my thoughts and fill them continually with Truth. You are Truth!